Monday, February 22, 2010

Smile if your heart is achy

This blog post has been a little long in creation, but its existence to be written has been inevitable for about almost a month. I guess I was just in a state of denial to want to realize it because by doing so it would make it real, but I will have to face it nonetheless, so here goes...

I found out a most grievous piece of news almost a month ago through a rather subtle but serious message related to me from a very close person who holds a dear piece of my heart. It is no surprise that after I found out I couldn't help but freak out, cry, break down, and altogether stress out about everything that was going on. A close friend comforted me that night, held me as I tried to hold back the tears, and told me that everything was going to be ok. After that night I told myself that I was allowed that one break down, but from then on I needed to be strong, for myself but also for someone else.

I've come to dread nights, too many thoughts and ideas float around in the infinite darkness and sometimes it can be too much that I feel like I'm drowning. At least during the day I have other things to occupy my mind, but at night as I'm lying in bed the endless thoughts that I try so hard to suppress and deny threaten to engulf and swallow me whole.

I guess I'm just trying to find an escape, a breath of relief if you want to call it. Maybe I'm trying to find a way to stop time, something to make everything stay the way it is right now, keeping the status quo, have nothing change until I'm ready. But life doesn't work that way, and all you can do is take it one step , one day at a time.

"Lying in my bed. I hear the clock tick. I think of you...if you fall. I will catch you. Time after time."

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